The Wimpala Rant

I just had my day ruined.  The local CBS affiliate just ran the 2004 Wimpala "SS" commercial.  And boy, did it piss me off!  First off, the background music is the Beach Boys singing 409.  WTF?!  They sing about a real engine in a real car, but GM uses the song to advertise a W-body FWD V6 piece of shit?  Give me a break.  I would like to see that piece of shit shine at any track.  Bull.  It couldn't even stand up to the rice its designed after.  The commercial then goes on to talk about the "nasty supercharged engine" - some lame shit designed to get yuppie scum to buy the car that has ruined the legend and scorned the heritage of the real B-body Impala and Impala SS.  Please, GM. You've destroyed enough already!

Since when did American automobile manufacturers have to use goddamned superchargers to get a hint of performance out of their cars?  That is sick.  This is the United States of America - the home of the powerful Chevrolet pushrod V8.  No replacement for displacement, and all that other good shit.  It seems as such is no longer the case.  This country has fallen to an all time low.  Apparently, we now think of pieces of shit like the 2004 Wimpala "SS" as muscle cars, and the only thing we can attribute it to is a goddamned supercharger.  Nevermind the fact that you can't even go to your local Chevrolet dealership and drive away in a brand new Camaro SS (a real muscle car), B-body Caprice, B-body Impala SS, or any real four door sedan because they do not manufacture them anymore!  Sometimes, when stuff like this happens, I think this country is headed straight to hell.

What really kills me about the new Wimpala "SS" commercial is this; the yuppie scum driving the Wimpala gets all nervous because he sees a 1995 or 1996 marked Caprice 9C1 all lit up in his rearview mirror and thinks its going after him.  When he's about to piss his pants, the Caprice blows past him on the left, still lit up and obviously heading somewhere else on more important business than pulling over the Wimpala "SS". The yuppie is then relieved and goes back to whacking his carrot thinking about the lame ass V6 FWD pussy car he's driving.  Its an ironic ending to the commercial, because instead of seeing the Wimpala perform (which it can't anyway), we witness the awesome power of the last real Chevrolet sedan in 9C1 trim, blowing away the Wimpala - which supposedly replaced it.  It makes it funny, and definitely makes the Wimpala look bad - as if it doesn't look bad enough already.  Damn shopping cart. The only thing I'm wondering is this: why didn't they use a new Wimpala "9C1" instead of the Caprice for the police car in the commercial?  I mean, the Wimpala "9C1" is the supposed replacement for the Caprice.  Why not show off the "superior performance" of the Wimpala "9C1" instead of using an out of production real police car?  There must have been at least one person with brains at work on this one.  Its a direct contradiction to what GM said about the performance of the late Caprice 9C1 in their 2000 Wimpala "9C1" introduction and promotion video.

What did that yuppie have to worry about in the first place?  Its not like his damn wannabe Impala could run fast enough to warrant a traffic stop in the first place.  That commercial is a preview of what I'm going to do the first time I see a Wimpala "SS" on the interstate.  Only difference is, I'll be doing about 151 when I pass the Wimpy, with one hand on the wheel.  The other will be giving GM, Bob Lutz, and the yuppie scum driver the bird.

Could this be a modernized version of the Beach Boys 409? "She's real fine my 231..." I don't think so.  F*** GM.  Sickos.

Recently, someone on the 9C1 mailing list made the following statement:

"I think the new ss is OK for a midsize family car. Certainly will out perform and 89 Lo3. and its reliable and not broken down on the side of the road."

Obviously, this individual is missing the point entirely.  The point is that it should not be called Impala, much less be given the SS designation.  I would have no problem with this car if it were still called Lumina.  Gay Motors ruined the legendary name of the Impala for the sake of using it as a sales tactic.  It appears to have worked, as the always increasingly gullible and spineless American public has taken so wholeheartedly to the Wimpala, embracing it as the classic, legendary American car that it most certainly is not.

This car is not an Impala, and not even close to being an Impala SS.  It can outperform an '89 L03 Caprice, but I highly doubt it will take the long term abuse that a B-body can, and very seriously doubt that it could outlast one.  Any new car is at least semi-reliable and generally not broken down on the side of the road.  What's the point in even saying that?  Let's see the Wimpala in about 15 years with all original equipment like my '90 9C1 had.  Then we can start talking about reliability.  My old '90 never stranded me and never let me down, even with well over 225,000 miles on it and not one bit of serious overhaul work done to it.  That's reliable.  That's genuine, real American Chevrolet, not this Wimpala crap.

As of 2006, we have a "totally new" Wimpala which, dare I say, is even lamer than the 2000-2005 model!  The '06 "car" is a total ripoff of the four-door Honda Accord, right down to the wheels.  I guess that's what GM has to do to try to sell cars to the nutless American public now.  The "SS" model of the Wimpala sports a hot little 327-ci V8, but it still powers the wrong wheels.  Just like the ill-fated (and imported) recent joke of a GTO, the hot engine does not make up for this car's total lack of passion and creativity in design.  The GTO did have a great driveline, but it looked like a bar of soap.  The new Wimpala "SS" is a Honda Accord with a bowtie, yet another late-model B-body quarter window ripoff, and a V8 driving the wrong wheels.  Just more imitation and mediocrity from GM.  What did you expect?